Heartbreak

I'm not going to beat around the bush. Today we received the news that Bree still has cancer in her bone marrow. This was very upsetting news. There were 2 different tests conducted in her bone marrow. One test concluded that there was no cancer to be found. The other test (the MRD...the one we were waiting on which came in early) had positive results, meaning that there were still tumor cells found her in bone marrow. What is so hard to understand about all of this is that her other tests (MRI, urine, blood, bone marrow) came back with negative (no cancer) results. With this one test, it is determined that Bree still has cancer in her body.

The doctor was really puzzled at these results. Looking at the tests above they gave us hope that the MRD test would come back negative. He was very confident that everything would be fine because all the signs were pointing in that direction. As we were there, the MRD results came over by fax and when they came back positive, he kept saying, "it shouldnt' say this." They weren't sure what the next step would be because this was so rare.

Her MIBG scan showed that her tumor inside could be active (cancerous) or it could be a mature (benign) tumor or scar/dead tissue. The only way to know what it is exactly is to take it out and biopsy the tumor. So what's next? At this point, the surgeons will be reviewing her case as to whether it is medically safe to remove the tumor. It is located in her abdomen next to her aorta and inferior vena cava (major arteries). They told us today that if they can, they will get her in to have her tumor removed by the end of this week or possibly next week.

If the tumor biopsy comes back as scar tissue or mature tumor then this could mean that the cells inside her bone marrow could be not active. They could be mature cells as well. To be sure, Bree would be monitored every 3 months with an MRI and bone marrow test to make sure there are no new neuroblasts growing. They tell us that this is a very fast growing cancer and that if it grows, it should show up in her tests.

If her tumor comes back with active tumor cells, there's talk about doing radiation to her abdomen to kill off the tumor cells and it could also mean a bone marrow transplant in her future. Which means more intense chemotherapy and scarier things I dont even want to mention at this point.

Tonight as I sat rocking Bree to sleep, I finally let the tears come. I have felt all day like I need to be strong. I need to have faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for Bree. That she is special to Him and that He has great things in store for her. But, as I let my mind wander and worry about what could possibly be in store for her future, my heart began to break. When you have a baby you never think that they will be dealing with cancer or chemo, multiple surgeries, blood transfusions, bone marrow biopsies, etc. She's been battling this cancer half of her life.

I feel crushed in a way because when she was diagnosed they gave us this plan...8 rounds of chemo and she should be done with this cancer. Yes, her tumor has shrunk, yes, its out of her bones, but she's not totally clean. We are not talking about remission yet. At this point we are still confused, bewildered by these results. Justin and I are mentally drained. It's been a hard day. We had much different ideas about today. It was supposed to be a day of celebration and excitement. I was supposed to be planning a cancer-free party. Instead, we have to dig in our heels and move forward, walking blindly by faith and continuing to live, being grateful for the miracles we've seen, and truly enjoying more of the little moments.